Single, Female & Black ... By Choice

March 2, 2016


The other day a friend sent me a link from a blogger's article that explained why so many women today are single by choice. The writer chronicles, from her survey off 100 women, why women are opting not to marry so soon.  She also hightlights that single women, unprecedently outnumber married women today. WOW!


She sites the usual reasons, financial independence from men, exploring career and educational options, enjoying independence, etc. 


I wrote a similiar blog last year about the reason BLACK women are unmarried, based on my own research and survey of single black women who I've talked to in the past 12 months (as clients or potential clients).  Here's a repost of that blog from my old website.  Its the list of reasons I found why Black Women are Single by Choice today.


We Are Preoccupied


Despite being the least married female group in America, its a very exciting time for the black woman.  We're everywhere doing EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING! I am thrilled with the number of black women in my community of friends and associates who are entrepreneurs, executives, traveling the world and so on.  For many, its a lot of "life" happening and a lot of "life" to take in.  Though we might want a mate to share this life with, we've not waited for the companion to take on the world.  And quite frankly, we shouldn't. We SHOULD, in fact, take FULL advantage of the here and now.  I applaud us for doing so.  Congrats ladies!



We Have High Standards


Even with sometimes bleak relationship statistics about black women, I applaud women who maintain a standard of excellence, not perfection, in their expectations for a relationship.  Its easy to get caught up in the anxiety associated with being labeled the most unmarried group on earth and take ANY ol man just to have one.  I give props to the women, particularly black women, who value yourself enough and are brave enough to set reasonable standards and stick to matter what.





We Are Genuinely Content


No matter how you slice it, a relationship is work.  Some women (and men) JUST don't feel like it.  And admittedly, a romantic relationship is not for everyone.  Biblically speaking, singleness is encouraged if you're someone who can abstain from sexual temptation (but that's another show). ;)  The point? Sometimes contentment with our hobbies, family, friends, kids, etc are just enough to keep us satisfied. I can attest to this.  Though I've never uttered the phrase, "I don't need a man"  there was a time when I did NOT want to get married.  All of my friends were in their 20s fretting about marriage and relationships and finding "the one" and all I could think is, "who wants to do all that work?!?!?!?" It never appealed to me...I was genuinely content with my single life.  Those women-shaming memes that say things like "Your job can't keep you warm at night" didn't phase me one bit. HA!!  And quite frankly, it doesn't phase a lot of women.



We Are Exhausted!


Dating Exhaustion is not exclusive to black women, or even women in general. The emotional investment involved in relationships only for them to fail is, quite frankly, tiring. In my book, From Heartbreak to Wholeness, I talk about how to combat this exhaustion by changing your approach to dating. I am NOT a fan of purposeless dating. But for a season, I suggest that women, particularly black women, intentionally date strictly for exploration purposes (minus sexual encounters and the idea of long term commitment). This will deescalate the exhaustion that sometimes comes with dating.




We're Afraid


In this hardcore world, its unpopular to admit that something is scary or intimidating. Well, darn it, we're human and things happen to ignite a little "gun-shyness" within us. Break-up after break-up, broken promise after broken promise leaves a girl's heart a little guarded and can leave ANYONE'S heart a little guarded and protected. And though we are portrayed as sassy and neck-rolling, we're still "soft and pink" (as Wendy Williams says) at the core. I understand ladies, I was intentionally eye-rolling toward men for YEARS behind my own defenses that were shaped by my experiences. It took a divine encounter (which I talk about in the book in great detail) to finally break down my walls and open my eyes to the possibilities. Sometimes, if we take a liiiiitttle bitty step, our minds will be BLOWN!!  So YES, our defenses are up sometimes.... BUT please  believe...



We want our defenses taken down...



...taken down through kept promises and actions that match. People say actions speak


louder than words. That's a lie!! I've got TONS of examples where actions are JUST as deceptive as words, if not more!!! We have this false belief that if you're seeing it, it must be true....and that's SIMPLY not true!!!  What speaks loudest to a woman is actions and words that are congruent.




Download your copy of From Hearbtreak to Wholeness: From Heartbreak to Wholeness here.

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