Is #GirlCode a "thing?"

July 7, 2016


About 3 years ago, I got a call from an ex...a married ex! It was no surprise because, though he was married, ever since his engagement, he'd attempted to contact me very often.  Sometimes from his own number, sometimes from other people's numbers.  Either way, he consistently reached out to me saying that he'd made a mistake, should've chosen me instead and in that most recent text, he wanted to take me out to lunch.


Before I tell you how I responded to his text, let me tell you about MY emotional state.... I was BROKEN! My heart had been shattered by the man I loved and for 2 years had been planning to build a life with.  He'd recently told me that, despite our plans to marry, move to a new city, etc, that he'd now decided "I can't marry you." 




I wanted relief from the pain and like many broken-hearted people, I turned to online to find relief in the company of a new man. While I'm an advocate for online dating, I'm also aware that it has to be used in the right way at the right time...and that wasn't the right time for me.


*BING* I get a call from my ex (from a number I didn't recognize). While I'm seeking for something to sooth my pain, his familiarity, memories of our good times and great conversation came rushing in....with vengeance.  Unlike other times when I resisted his attempts to contact me, I was vulnerable this time. I was looking for someone's company to give me relief....a nice date with a nice man would be GREAT!


So how did I respond to his request, scratch that, BEGGING to take me to lunch?  I mustered up the strength, courage and integrity to say NO! Not because his invitation wasn't enticing (or even welcomed at that time in my life), not because he was a jerk who was basically inviting me into a love triangle that I didn't need or want... but because I thought. 


What if I was his wife, would I want my husband having an "innocent" lunch with HIS EX!?!?!


Its as though my "no" intensified his pursuit to see me.  He texted me incessantly! To the point where I threatened to contact his wife on Facebook if he didn't stop.  At that point, though he told me previously that his wife wouldn't mind him having lunch with a friend, he BEGGED me not to message her.


I never intended to message her.  Why would I put that seed of doubt in her mind that I was even remotely a threat?  I wasn't. I didn't want her man and I didn't want to help break up a home; separate a child's parents.  I just wanted him to leave me alone.


Ultimately I had to involve his mother who assured me she would get him in check and I'd never hear from him again! I haven't...which was a MIRACLE!


I didn't have lunch with him merely because he was making an indecent proposal.  I chose not to have lunch with him out my respect for 1) myself 2) HIS WIFE.  To me, that's a violation of GIRL CODE!! Though she was a thorn in our relationship, she was now his WIFE!!


So, here lately, in the not-so-shocking news that has surfaced about Iggy Azalea's unknown love triangle with Nick young and his ex, Keonna Greene where Ms. Greene said that after knowingly interfering in a very public marriage engagement was: "I don't feel guilty," I was left wondering: IS THERE A STILL GIRL CODE? HAS THERE EVER BEEN ONE?


Now don't get it twisted!! I am VERY MUCH an advocate of men owning their responsibility for their cheating ways.  I fully believe no woman can "steal" another man...nor do I believe a woman can do (or not do) anything that will make said man cheat or not cheat. 




No ifs, ands or buts or about that! I don't waiver or flinch about that!


This post, however, is about the statement this woman made: "I don't feel guilty."


Really?  Has our "side chick" laden, cheating culture suspended our souls ladies? Can you knowingly disrupt a home, relationship, engagement or marriage with no remorse? His words may be good and come at an ideal time for you but is he worth violating another woman?  Just in case you're confused, the answer is no.


Men have a code...and they live by it. And though many aspects of #ManCode is broken, immature and downright foolish, I can say that I respect the fact that they all, for the most part, honor and live by this twisted code and severely punish violators. 


What's up with #GirlCode? Do we need to revise it? Or even establish it altogether?  We're so engulfed in making sure men treat us right, fairly, etc...AND WE SHOULD!  But let's also dialogue about what its going to take to reestablish our sisterhood and loyalty toward one another, to be our sisters' keeper. 


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